Date: Mon, Dec 3, 2007 at 9:22 PM
Subject: i hear dead people
Scene: grocery store.
Sound: muzak.
Song: I'll be Home for Christmas.
Artist: Robert Goulet.
Not even in your dreams, Bobby.
Perhaps he didn't get the memo.
tpg
Subject: this week's winner
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This seemed odd to me because I know I already paid the monthly fee.
Date: Wed, Dec 19, 2007 at 5:39 PM
Subject: tpg's often annual christmas greeting
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That it existed wasn't much of a surprise. The stunning scope of the problem, however, appears to be far wider than commonly thought.
After decades of whispered speculation and murmured rumor, a massive report establishes once and for all that record setting accomplishments and superhuman feats apparently come only with the assistance of performance enhancing substances.
The report includes readily recognizable names long anticipated to be found among the "cheaters." A a few surprises as well.
Only the most naive among us didn't fully expect to find Santa Claus at the top of the roster. Famed for a remarkably long career of not only assembling billions of items each year at his secluded North Pole complex, he also wraps all presents and delivers each one of them to individuals and families all over the world in one night.
Frankly, how could anyone not think the man was juiced? That "bowl full of jelly" was, it appears, a tank topped off with HGH, bringing an entirely new meaning to the phrase "Santa's helpers."
According to the Commissioner of the World Holiday Organizing Association (WHOA), Bub Seeldlyps, the group has no current plans to punish Santa or any other individuals cited in the report. "I'm going to actually read the report," he said. "Then I think we can address this issue on a case by case basis."
When pressed to explain why he didn't bother to read the report before he held a news conference to discuss its contents, Seeldlyps said: "The things I can do unilaterally I have done and will continue to do those." Several reporters shouted: "AFLACK!!!" The news conference ended in haste and confusion.
As mentioned, Santa's appearance in this report is not considered to be a blockbuster revelation. However, the large numbers of others stunned even the most jaded observers.
The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, the Great Pumpkin, Cupid, the Leprechaun, Baby New Year (no wonder he has to be replaced every 12 months), pretty much the entire array regularly rely on performance enhancing supplements. With 20/20 hindsight, of course, past mysteries and legends now become clear. They were/are all juiced to the gills, the whole lot of them.
The Leprechaun was the only one among those listed to make a public denial. At his news conference, the 6-foot 8-inch 295-pound wee one announced: "I've doon no such ting and am ready to defend me honor against any fookin' one a yez who wants ta say utterwoise." The hyper-agitated guy in green garb then took a bite out of the podium, spit it at a reporter, punched a camera and left the pub.
The twists and turns this story takes from here are yet to be determined.
Commissioner Seeldlyps summed up his feelings by shrugging his shoulders, turning his hands skyward and saying: "What can you do? This is not what I had hoped for."
When asked if he had a timetable in mind Seeldlyps responded: "I'm not sure. Maybe after the holiday." He did not specify the exact holiday to which he was referring.
So mind yourself around that holiday punch bowl this year.
You never know what kind of juice you'll find there.
(And, by the way, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Peace , tpg)
Date: Sat, Feb 23, 2008 at 12:38 PM
Subject: genesis
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from a friend in greenville, south carolina ...
God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'
And Adam said....
'What's a headache?'
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To: Amy O'Neil; Bernadette Gillick; Bridget; Colleen O’Neil Moran; Colleen O’Neil Moran; Elizabeth; Ellen McElwee; Jerry and Mary Ann; Kerry and Jed Carlson; Larry Gillick; Megan and Jamie Lynch; Pat Gillick; Pat O'Neil; Patrick Gillick; peg gillick; Terry Gillick; terry perry; Veronique
Subject: FW: feedback
Sent: Thursday, November 09, 2006 9:58 AM
Subject: feedback
I exercise at the Y each night. I ride a recumbent stationary bike for an hour or more. A bank of televisions is installed in a row above the exercise machines. Each machine has a little box into which one can insert an earplugs jack and then choose from among the audio feeds available.
Last night was difficult. "Lost" was on one television. The Suns/Spurs NBA game was on another and then a third had someone named Nancy Grace talking about someone else named Nicole Smith. This called for media multitasking. The game was compelling. Lost was too hard to follow. Nancy Grace had some interesting, but confusing, story lines going, most of which I tried to catch up with during breaks in the game. Now I find I need some clarification.
1. Even though he looks like the love child of Tim Russert and Rod Stewart, is Grace really Nicole Smith's older transvestite brother? I never would have guessed that, but I thought I saw that tidbit on the closed caption scroll.
2. Judging from the expression on his face, you'd be doing Grace a big favor by letting him use the queen size control top pantyhose while he's on the air. As it is, he looks a little overly pinched and it is my understanding that you are risking the development of prostate problems, which could devolve into a worker's comp issue that might come back to bite you in the bundt cake big time.
3. Were it not for deft plastic surgery and carefully artistic lighting, I understand that Grace otherwise would have more chins than a Chinese telephone book.
4. I really have a hard time understanding how Grace and Howard Stern could combine their biological assets to help Nicole Smith have a baby. Grace evidently is a male television talker; Howard is a satellite radio slime; and Nicole is a drug addled trailer park escapee. How exactly did this fertilization and gestation process occur and is it true that it involved a particular brand of turkey baster available only on the Food Network? Also, why did this procedure need to take place in the Bahamas?
I'll be returning to the Y tonight and it would be ever so helpful to have these matters clarified. It got so confusing at one point last night that I had to take two sublingual tabs of nitroglycerin just to stop the chest pains. That could have been more the result of the Suns' collapse that led to their overtime loss to the Spurs, but I can't help but think that this Grace guy had something to do with it as well.
Any help you can provide will be appreciated greatly.
Sincerely,
tpg
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Sent: Wed 6/7/2006 11:48 AM
To: Bernadette Gillick; Bridget O'Neil; Claire Gillick; Colleen O’Neil Moran; Dan McElwee; Elizabeth McElwee; Hannah Gillick; Jed and Kerry; Katherine McElwee; Larry Gillick; Mary Catharine Gillick; Megan and Jamie Lynch; Michaela McElwee; Pat Amy Home; Pat McElwee; Paul Gillick; Rory O'Connor Gillick
Subject: Family History: Part Two
Dear 17,
I'm sorry I haven't issued anything lately.
This resulted from being really busy and having a hard time finding thorough details on the O'Connor/Howard branch of the family.
Meanwhile I have received a number of questions from some among you. I will take this opportunity to try to answer them to the best of my ability.
Before I do that, however, I also would like to respond to a rumor of which I have caught wind. Apparently there are those among my siblings who, while being completely unwilling to provide this family history service to you, are criticizing my efforts and telling some of you that the facts I am sharing are somehow suspect. Further, some of them are telling you that they want to review what I send you so that they can set the record "straight." I am a little shocked that any of my brothers and sisters would try to censor facts and details I am providing you. And then I hear that they are implying that I am creating a skewed view! As you can well imagine, if I had the capacity to experience real emotions I probably would be very, very badly hurt. Only through a genetic fluke and the grace of God am I able to carry on with my mission.
Now for the questions …
1. Is it true Auntie Mary Ann pushed Uncle Rory off a porch and made him go blind?
I have no idea where this rumor got started. The answer is a definite no. Rory was pushed by Aunt Kathleen. This was well before she also let our beloved yellow lab Darby run out the door and get killed by a passing car. These incidents have long been accepted by most as being unfortunate accidents and had nothing to do with her fondness for pink 7-Up.
2. Is Uncle Pat still paying child support for his love child?
Of course he isn't. Since that "child" now is well into her 30s and since she has a full time job driving for Schneider trucks, there is no legal or moral obligation for Patrick to be paying any kind of support. There remains some question on the validity of this claim in the first place since this all happened before the advent of DNA identification and all that. There is no intent to reopen this tub of nightcrawlers as far as I know.
3. Why was Ellen's first marriage annulled?
The details are a little murky and this is one of those things that happened when I was out on the west coast so I didn't have a ringside seat. I asked my mother once about this. Her response was limited to a vague and bitter reference to some sort of gender confusion on the part of the "groom." She made it very clear to me that we were never to speak of this again.
4. What's the story on Uncle Michael's gay friend Phillip in Spokane, Washington?
I think using the word "gay" is somewhat of an assumption, and a dangerous one at that. Grandma Carey's brother, Fr. James Linden, S.J., was dean of the law school at Gonzaga. A couple of times he invited Mike, when he was in grade school, to come out for a visit during the summer. Fr. James also had a little friend about Mike's age. His name was Phillip. The two liked to dress up like cowboys and play all day long. What could be manlier than cowboys, you know? I mean … well … hmmmm … there was that Brokeback movie … never mind. I don't know. What happened in Spokane stayed in Spokane.
5. Is it true that the scar on Grandpa Gillick's chest was from the time his brother Ed Carey tried to teach Big Rory how to use a shotgun?
No, no, no … that chest scar was the result of a successful cancer surgery. The shooting scar was on Grandpa Gillick's ass, which I am almost certain none of you ever saw before he died.
6. Some of us have been told that you were involved in a scandalous legal situation in Las Vegas. What can you tell us about that?
Firstly, I'd really, really like to know the source of that leak, because I am withholding a couple of doozies, too, you know, so whoever is feeding you this stuff just better be damn careful if he or she knows what's good for him or her.
Secondly, the Nevada state court records are sealed until the year 2076, so don't even bother.
Thirdly, the conditions of the legal settlement prevent me from discussing any of details other than the situation involved a young professional woman named Brandee Deelite; a schnauzer named Bootsie, which was dressed up in a little Santa suit; several dozen non-English speaking German tourists; and an undetermined number of cases of Ready Whip that I swear to God I did not know were stolen.
So that wraps up today's family history session.
More coming soon.
Hope you all are well and have a great summer.
tpg
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